Why?
Szczecin, 10th June, 2011
- Why are you doing this?
- Actually, it looks as if I might be doing this against myself.
- ?
- Firstly, I do not feel like sitting at the computer for hours, I do not enjoy pore over the keyboard, looking at it pressing word by word out of myself. Secondly, I’m not convinced what I would, actually, like to write down out of what is sitting deeply in me.
- What is sitting deeply in you?.
- Nothing bad, though. But there still is some doubt whether I really want to share my life with the outside world.
- So write only what is right and suitable for printing.
- It means I should again play games, pretend, and introduce self-censorship. That’s why I’ve never had any “pressure for writing”. Writing to shock or upset our potential readers does not fancy me.
- Who do you want to write this for?
- This is a problem. For a long time there has been in me a need of getting rid of everything out of my head. Whatever there boils. For a long time I’ve wanted to let go the words which buzz in my brain. For a long time there’s been one basic question: Who am I supposed to write this for? My family and friends, as they claim it, know much enough about me. They know my life. Yet, they take part in it. Are they those who still want to know more? Isn’t it enough for them? Or am I supposed to write as if I invited all the others to our life?
- The family doesn’t mean the whole world.
- Exactly. Do I want to write it for a so called potential unknown reader? Do I want to please them or share with them all that has happened over all those years? What would it be good for? Over the years I’ve always wanted to write something, but each time I would be about to take a decision of starting a form of writing (there always has been a dilemma which form it should be), I would give up, because I couldn’t find the answer to the question who I would be writing for. But writing into vacuum is dead.
- Why did you change your mind?
- I’ve found answers to the two questions. To start, I am writing this for US. For you and for myself. For you, so that you can keep forever what has been happening, what we have been going through together, and what has been only my share of life. Naturally, if you are interested in it or if you ask about it during our talks. Then, for myself, so I can exercise my brain and fingers.
- And the answer to the second question?
- Up to now I haven’t known which form of writing is best for me. A diary? It’s too late. Memoirs? Too boring. A novel with a story? I’m not good at inventing stories. I’m not a writer. I don’t do this for money. I want this to be mine. Ours.
- Stop boring. So?
- It seemed to me that keeping track our talks would be the best idea. The talks that happened over the years, those which still buzz in my head, the ones that happen every day, and the talks that we’d rather we hadn’t had. But I know that all of them are sincere, they neither cover up nor add up anything. We do not lie in them and do not embellish them!
- Can we talk with each other?
- Well, don’t we talk?
- Actually, yes, we do. But I may not be the most interesting interlocutor.
- You and those doubts of yours! You are the best interlocutor ever because it’s only you who can scold me when I become boring and it’s you who makes me control myself when I babble away too much.
- But you could be much more creative in such talks with someone else.
- Who with, you think? It’s important for me that I want to do this and I like doing this. I enjoy every moment I am with you. Especially when we are able to talk.
- Are we?
- Let the readers assess it.
- What are we going to talk about?
- You’ve just asked the most important question. I would like us to talk about what you are interested in and what might interest our readers at the same time.
- But I’m not good enough to be a co-author of this work.
- You don’t have to be one. Be yourself. This is the best thing in you. You never pretend anything. You bring me down to earth very often. Sometimes you even rip me off my sentimentality.
- You have again set me up for something!
- Here you have your answer to the question set at the beginning:
I’m going to write so that I can set up both of us.
