Talk Two.
Szczecin, 16th August
- Have you paid? Have you transferred the money?
- What for?
- Yesterday you were supposed to pay for our RWT (Round the World Ticket).
- I’m doing it right now. I’m shocked that the ticket costs merely twice as much as one return ticket to Australia.
- Well, it has its limitations. We have to stick to the appointed times and fixed dates. We can’t change anything. We won’t get the cash back even though something happens before our departure. However, I got insurance for everything I could.
- Did you insure us against our bad moods, rows and any misunderstandings?
- You would like to, wouldn’t you? It can’t be. You have to make effort…
- Naturally, me only.
- I’m leaving it without any comment.
- When exactly could you travel to the West for the first time?
- In May 1972.
- What was the main motivation for you for taking up such a challenge during those horrible times?
- I had been living convinced that if I would leave the country, something what could change my life, something would happen.
- What change had you expected?
- That I might’ve succeeded.
- What might you have succeeded in?
- That I would really have fallen in love. Remember, I was only 27 then.
- What was supposed come out of that?
- Stop asking silly questions, will you?
- Definitely, it’s only you who asks clever questions.
- Stop pretending that you don’t know what I’m talking about. After all, I had been living convinced that there was something wrong with me, and I had to change it. I’d go to South America and my life with Cecilia would succeed.
- Who’s that? Cecilia?
- You haven’t read my famous work Taming the West, have you?
- Yes, I have. I have. You have been pretty boring there. I don’t remember much. No names at all.
- Let me quote some essential excerpts:
Since 1967 we’ve been pan-pals with a Chilean girl – Cecilia who I got to know in Szczecin when I still was at university. I liked her a lot and we shared interests. Skillfully, we avoided those most personal matters. We agreed that she would send me an official invitation to visit her in Chile as soon as I graduate. The invitation was required by the communist rulers. I anchored to the idea that Cecilia was going to become a cure for all the evil.
- What evil?
- I really wanted my life be different. Not to be alone. To find some peace with myself and not to have to answer all those frequently asked questions why I still was single. To satisfy expectations of the others.
- How come?
- You see, there you’ve got the generation gap! I was expected to be the image and likeness of all those other great people. My personal preferences did not match the picture.
- Now you are going to pity yourself.
- Perhaps I could fancy that. But it’s you who restrains me…
- What about that Cecilia girl?
- As you see, I never married her and she didn’t converted me into a hetero.
- Did she want to?
- I don’t think she managed to notice any problem there. Let me go back to my trip whose aim was to get to Chile – her homeland.
The voyage on a Polish Ocean Lines ship comprised such ports as those in Venezuela, Columbia, Ecuador, Peru and Chile. Already from Caracas I sent a letter to Cecilia letting her know that I had just touched the South American soil. In Callao – Lima everybody else on board was awaiting mail from Poland, but I was expecting a letter from Cecilia. We never made for Valparaiso, though. Shortly before we would get there, a hurricane destroyed the harbour. I made up my mind: when our ship was wharfing at the La Serena harbor (800 km north of Santiago) I would go by bus to the capital just for one day.
Cecilia had a terrible cold, she could hardly speak. Being excessively excited I did not notice that she wasn’t too unhappy with my possibility of going back to Poland right away by the same ship, in case we couldn’t make it for Valparaiso at all. Well, it would mean an almost round the world trip to spend one day in Santiago?!
- And what did you feel? Was it that?
- I must have become too attached to the idea of „the cure” which was supposed to do its job. I didn’t feel like giving it up. I didn’t then know yet that the disease was incurable.
- Hadn’t you had until then any strong attacks of the disease?
- Oh, yes, I had. Should I tell you about my fascinations, unfulfilled affections, infatuations…
- For guys?
- Don’t be impatient. I’ll be coming back to this, if you want to know about it. Not let’s finish off the Cecilia subject.
When I came back on board, I again made up my mind: I would disembark without permission from Gdynia. I purchased a LAN Chile flight ticket. I was bursting with joy having made such a decision and being so consistent in my pursuit of “the Cecilia chance”. When I landed in Santiago, it appeared that Cecilia’s illness made it impossible for us to see each other again.
- So you never got to know whether you were suitable?
- I consider that to have been my fortunate fate despite a very dramatic course of events at that time. Keep listening…
On the Sunday evening on 02nd July 1972 I learned the most important facts. Cecilia showed up. I’m quoting from my memory that difficult conversation with her:
„– I know, that… - she begins. – There’s no explanation, besides, I don’t feel like explaining anything – she continues. – I behaved very badly, but is has already happened… - I must have made a funny face – You can’t be staying at my place. But I rented a room for you at a private student dormitory with meals included. I have already paid for one week, Later on you have to manage on your own. Now we are going to take you there and … - Now I must have looked funny. – What I did is unpardonable but there’s no way out, and I do not expect you either to pardon me or understand me, but I hope you are going to have a successful stay in Chile.
- As hell – I thought.
With that silly looks I was taken to a beautiful residential neighbourhood. There it was Mr and Mrs Sara and Ciro Cuadra’s house – a several room student dormitory. So, about 10 pm, there I was, sitting on my new bad with my winter coat on, in a cold room, in the middle of a Chilean winter. It seemed to me I was dreaming.
- Is that the end of the Cecilia story?
- I wonder, what else you would like to hear.
- Did you find out what had happened? She might have felt that she wasn’t able to cure you?
- Stop it! She didn’t know my problem.
A friend of Cecilia’s – Diva got empowered to taking care of me. When we met she told me about that fragment of Cecilia’s life, I hadn’t known. She said she felt released from the obligation of being loyal to her friend because Cecilia behaved badly and dishonestly.
I was still in Poland, at the time I was exchanging mail with her, Cecilia got engaged in a political activity of young university employees in Santiago. A party with a very leftist programme. There she met Hernan an older man than her, a father of four in the process of getting marital separation (at that time divorce was not accepted in Chile). Their shared political and charity activities for the poorest citizens of Santiago, led them to a passionate love for each other, as a consequence of which they moved to live together. In February 1972, exactly when I let Cecilia know about my getting a passport and a possibility of accepting her invitation, Hernan’s sixteen-year son got killed in a car crash. This made Hernan return to the family and take care of the devastated wife.
Thus, Cecilia felt she was free and I could visit her in Santiago. Once again she confirmed it in her letter which I got in Callao, Peru when we arrived there.
The perturbation caused by the Pacific hurricane made my arrival in Santiago late, and first of all, that’s why I only spent one day in Santiago prior to my disembarkation for good. Some confusion of Cecilia’s just then, and her bad mood, I explained with her cold which she was fighting. Apparently, she was about to tell me everything then but she didn’t have the courage.
When I decided to disembark, despite all the difficulties, after one day stay in Santiago, Cecilia notified (or someone else did it – I wouldn’t know) Hernan about it. He immediately made up his mind to leave the family for the second time. But he set a condition that Cecilia wouldn’t see me again!
Diva wanted to comment Cecilia’s behaviour, but I didn’t let her. It’s already happened. It’s passed. The decision must have been very difficult for Cecilia, but she made it for her own good. She made a choice.
- Well, your South American voyage didn’t solve your problem?
- Actually, it may have.
