Talk nine.
Ao Nang, 29th November
- It hasn’t been a long flight.
- But the airport in Krabi, shortly speaking, is strongly outdated.
- It’s true. As a place of such tourist importance for Thailand should look some better.
- The ride to the centre, which was as long as the flight itself because of the traffic jam, and the taxi driver who overcharged us because of no competition of the local transportation means, didn’t tune me into a good mood.
- The hostel in Ao Nang[1] wasn’t that luxurious, either.
- Seth tried to negotiate a bit and eventually got a slightly bigger room. Anyway, he was too gentle t the job since he’s so nice and humble.
- You wouldn’t’ve done it better. You don’t like bargaining and that’s why we usually get overcharged.
- We didn’t get overcharged for the voyage to the Hong Island. By boat with several dozen people, which was skillfully steered by its captain..
- Adding to this, he was good-looking and proudly presented, his honey and chocolate body.
- The crew was not too bad, either.
- Why did the boat have the propeller on a long stick behind the stern?
- It makes the steering easier in shallow waters.
- Well, yes. We would always board a boat walking first into the water up to our knees or deeper.
- Seth would have the water up to his waist.
- Don’t be so mean. He enjoys being with us so much. Being with you. I can tell, he feels uneasy with something.
- He’ll manage.
- I’ve got a feeling that he would like to have a chance of hugging you tightly, for example.
- So, let him do it.
- Do you want me to let h i m do it or do you want me to let y o u do it.
- I’ve already told you that he doesn’t turn me on and I have no experience of triangles.
- Maybe it’s high time you got some?
- Do you fancy … what do you call this in French?
- Ménage à trois.
- Well, and…?
- I like him, I appreciate his attachment to us. I like to have him around but…
- There’s no but there. There will be sex or not!
- We’ve known him well enough and we know that he understands the situation he’s in. He’s got no expectations. I hope.
- I can tell he wouldn’t mind having sex with us.
- I’m not sure about us. With you for sure.
- Let’s talk about the Hong Island, shall we?
- OK. I think the aim of the expedition i.e. the kayak voyage around the island, during which we admired lagoons and mangrove forests, was very successful. The colour and transparency of the 26° C water was attraction for itself.
- Lunch in a tiny bay which looked like from a film was great. You weren’t even snoring during your nap on the sand.
- I will soon repay you for such remarks.
- We’d better talk about that America of yours, some time ago.
- In 1978 in Poland life wasn’t a fairy-tale. But I didn’t use to complain and I was doing quite well financially.
- What happened in your personal life when you came back home two years earlier after your first stay in the USA?
- Yes, it was a very important period of my life. My determination of making changes in it was definite.
- Well, and it happened, didn’t it?
- I think that with such readiness and full awareness what I then expected from life, it had to happen.
- The details, the details, please.
- You don’t need any details. The important thing is that one month after I’d come back, I met someone who made me convinced that I could be happy.
- Who was that?
- From the perspective of many years it’s not essential. The acquaintance didn’t last more than three months.
- What occurred?
- Alcohol. Concealed alcoholism. I couldn’t help anything there.
- And again you became lonely, didn’t you ?
- Not for long. Soon did I meet a friend of mine from the school times and we resumed our acquaintance.
- Acquaintance?
- Let’s call a relationship that lasted fifteen years.
- Do you want to talk about it?
- No, I don’t. First of all because we are talking now about America. Then because I still don’t know whether I want to make this public. You already know it all. The description of this important period of my life would take many pages of paper; it could become boring.
- I’m of a different opinion, but I’m going to respect your decision. However, I don’t promise not to ask you again about it.
- Let’s go back the summer of 1978 when David came to Poland for the second time because he’d got infatuated with one of my lady students of English. For me, he brought an invitation necessary for the American and Polish regulations to be able to travel to the USA. He promised he’d find me a job, as well.
- Did you want to stay there for good?
- It didn’t even occur to my mind.
- What did you go there for?
- For cash. In my garage in Szczecin I kept a car. I’m sorry, a “Toddler” as we used to call a tiny Fiat 650. I’d bought it for borrowed money and I’d have to be paying it back for many long years. A possibility of paying off the debts in some months was tempting.
- And what about your partner?
- To my regret I had to leave him for those months and it was he who was one of the most important reasons I never considered defecting for good. I think I should explain to you one day how such partnership like ours would function in the then Poland and in the then social awareness and also how much of personal courage (!) it would take. The subject we must, however, leave for later on.
- Did you get that job in California?
- Do you want the full or abbreviated version?
- You mean abbreviated by spicy details or by descriptions of nature?
- I let you make fun of me. I wrote a little bit more about all this in Taming the West. Now I will tell you how my sexual awareness crystallized in me and what tests my gay pride would be exposed to. The expression “gay pride” didn’t yet exist in the Sates, but it functioned in my mind as a pride of being human, as a pride of managing my life against all the odds.
- Did anybody attack you?
- Not physically, though. I was attacked with all kind of questions, with ridicule of homosexuals, unrefined jokes and general pitying.
- How did you react to all this?
- Sometimes better, sometime worse. In those times I realized that not everybody yet deserved my coming-out. I wasn’t right. It was my mistake not to be open. On the other had I also had examples of hitting my sore spot by those who supposedly knew everything about me, when they had their own interest in it.
- Who?
- I’ll give one of many examples. David new everything about me, he was trying to help me and be supportive. He had been in Poland, he’d met Andrzej, he saw how difficult it was to be gay in general and in Poland in particular, he seemed to understand why I wouldn’t reveal my preference. He would encourage me to settle matters with the outside world. However, when I met his girlfriend in California, he definitely prohibited me to talk with her.
- T o t a l k to her?!
- To tell her about myself, to tell her what bites me, and in general not to bother her with my gayhood.
- What would happen if you did?
- I’d poison her clear mind, I’d disturb her beautiful soul of an artist – a flutist.
- You considered him to be your friend, didn’t you?
- With that episode we have finished our friendship.
- And at work?
- It was better and better. I made a career as far as my status of an employee in black would allow me to.
- Did you come out?
- No, I didn’t. And for many years I’d had a grudge for it to myself, because not coming out caused a series of consequences. Denying when interrogated directly or with allusions, I would provoke situations whose undertone stuck in me like a splinter for many years.
- What exactly happened?
- At work which was arranged by David, I didn’t persist even a week. Again Terenia had to walk in. Her husband, John employed me on her request.
- Yes, yes. We know the details from your previous book. What was the problem, though?
- As my usefulness for the company grew, John started to urge me to decide to stay in California for good. He promised me a good job and a financial support to begin with.
- Did those persuasions take a long time?
- Until the end of that stay in the USA.
- You chose to come back to Poland, didn’t you?
- In accordance with my previous decision I promised John to reconsider his offer after I have dealt with some important matters in Poland. He gave me six months for that.
- Where was the problem?
- At a farewell dinner on Thanksgiving Day with all Terenia’s family present, John repeated his offer …
- You are building suspense on purpose, aren’t you?
- … quite unexpectedly he asked me whether I was gay, or not. For he had to be clear in this matter.
- What did he need to be clear for?
- I’ve never asked him about it. You could’ve done this since you met him several times during last five years.
- Don’t you know! With my English!
- Don’t hide behind the lack of the language. I understand, those are difficult talks. Even with an ex-homophobic like him.
- What was your answer?
- Exactly. Here was the problem. I wasn’t prepared for such a frontal attack (the way I would understand that, however, it wasn’t an attack as such person like John might consider) and I denied I was gay.
- Your choice. I’m repeating my question: Where’s the problem?
- Be patient! Listen to the end and think how I felt!
- I empathize as much as I can.
- John stood up, he held out his hand to me over the table and said: - Now welcome on the team!
- Did anybody present react?
- Nobody.
[1] Ao Nang
